Dream

I hold my eyes still,
My arms motionless around the cuddly toys in my bed,
Yes I should move them,
But they comfort me
When you are unable to be there to embrace me;
The times when all I can do is return to the way I was before,
And hold some inanimate object and make believe
Until
I fall
Asleep.

I feel my eyes open with a sense of urgency,
You were there,
Grabbing my hand to run back to the car like usual
‘Come back to mine’ you said
And I would have done
If it weren’t for me kissing your tender lips
And feeling…

Nothing.

I sigh internally,
Fully aware I am now in a dream
But seeing you makes me want you more;
To feel your warmth against my cold,
To embrace you,
(Or rather the other way round
I am too small to truly embrace you)
To whisper in your ear sweet nothings
And see your smile as I smile back to you.
Even in this dream state your smile lights a fire inside of me
And I outstretched my fingers
Hoping to reach across to you somehow
Through some invisible barrier set between us
But now
I
see…

Nothing.

I open my eyes and sigh.
I wanted that dream
To reincarnate as my current reality,
I wished and wished as the sun rose
And saw the cuddly toys staring at me.

In that instant,
My eyes feel heavy again
As sleep takes me back,
Perhaps back
To you.

Little things

We drove along the windy paths,
Each little village filled with homes
That seemed so precious and warm
Compared to the chill inside that four wheeled contraption.

The route was long,
Much longer than expected,
And they lost their patience alongside you,
But I kept calm,
Each house,
Each village,
Making me mellow and somewhat distant from the yells of the automobile.

As we arrived nearer to our destination,
I squeezed your hand tightly,
Part out of fear,
Part out of checking you saw what I saw;
Dozens of acres
Filled with hundreds of trees of all kinds;
The air was bitter
But oh the moment’s joy warmed me to my core.

As the car drove up past all of the history,
I felt a sense of belonging amongst the stone and mortar
Then we began crumbling
Crumbling…

We drove away back through the hills
A tear rolled down a reminiscent cheek.
You laid still beside me,
Allowing my head to slumber on your shoulder
You claim I felt like fairy dust upon there
And I thank you for this white lie
As you try to straighten your neck after my hour long nap.

When we pulled into that little car park,
Just off the M5,
You questioned me as I began to cry.
I replied
“The little things mean a lot”
Your response made me feel special
As you joked about my little height meaning a lot to you,
And I smiled at your profiled grin
And fell in love again until the car pulled back to yours;
I never remembered the length I stared
Because I lost myself to you and your gentle ways.

From that nap until our final rest,
You – the comforter of
Me – your saviour from the abyss off the edge of that little bed.
We joked that our small palace could not fit the 11 foot 7 that swarmed the bed
But we managed.

And it was that last little thing
That warmed me up that night as it woke as a bitter morn;
The little things that I woke to alongside the candyfloss sunrise.

Bedroom dream

I’m sorry for the incessant yawns
With which I stretch my fingers and and arms out wide;
The hums and aaahs that escape my lungs
As my mouth opens wide to reveal-
I am tired.

I rub my eyes incessantly,
(Although you find it sweet
as I mutter under my breath
And intertwine our feet)

The covers are our borders;
Just enough for two.
I snuggle deep into your arms
And focus on just me and you.

The way you breath in your sleep
To your face when you first wake
This may sound soppy and cliché
And may be one big mistake
But I know you think it too
Before you fall asleep:
Is waking up with me
Ever more than just a dream?

It has happened once,
A magical dream come true
But I want to know what it’s like
To spend every night next to you.

Outgrown

I have lived here since after my third birthday,
A newly one year old brother, a mother and father in tow
As we travelled away from what we knew as home,
A small village across a river as part of a bigger city,
To a slightly bigger town in a much larger county.

I would say that for a 3 year old,
Moving away from what you know seems confusing,
They don’t understand that the house
(That was more like a flat with two floors)
Was too small, despite how vast it seemed to small eyes.

Now I see the same here,
I am kicking at my blanket,
Something anyone would do in their sleep,
But here it is to cover myself with the security blanket around me,
Somewhat protect me from what lies ahead.

I allowed him into this bed with me,
And I felt safer and prepared,
But now?
Now the blanket is too small for even one.

The blanket matches the room,
I feel like a giant swarming my tiny chair and desk
As I glide across and slip under the door
All seems almost too familiar.

I have outgrown this setting
And I am to move onto bigger places

It is the only way.

I and you you and I

I move my hand
To mirror yours
Your frown changes
To copy my cause.
You tilt my face
Towards the sun
You’re my  reflection;
More than anyone.

Our lips touch
And electric lights
That shoots us
Into unforgettable nights.
Each day you tell me
How much I mean to you
And you’ve given me power
To tell you the truth.

There’s a man in my life
Someone so incredible
Yet he calls me his
And I say that he’s my all
My muse my boy
The other meant for me
I slip my hand into his
As we walk off happily.

Yes.
His hand fits mine.
And I have never felt more wanted.

Pick-me-up

Today you fell down
Exhausted from all your strife;
To the point you couldn’t stand up.
You felt like that last knock down was permanent,
A position you were forever bound to:
A good-for-nothing,
Useless
Pathetic
Imbecile.

I grabbed your hand in mine
To pull you up.
You took it but looked down to where you were,
Almost missing the comfort of being looked down upon.
I pulled your face to look at mine and spoke:

“You’re worth this.”
“I’m not.” you spat back, a dagger to my heart.
I grabbed the dagger and snapped it.
“I care about you!”
“I don’t need your pity” you fired at my head this time.
“I’m not pitying you!”
I shot back but questioned if my words were true;
I wanted you to feel happy,
But have I just made you feel worthless instead?

Your firepower was too strong.
I have tried too many times.
The words have lost all meaning.
I fall to where you had been before,
Realising how small you felt,
Noticing how insignificant I am,
How pathetic of me to collapse under a few questions!
Perhaps it has been coming down to this;
Can I stay strong forever?
I feel like I was never strong at all….

A hand beckons me,
Willing me to stand up,
I grasp it longingly, hoping for it to be real,
You are stood there,
And I understand what life is like…

Life is like a see saw
A person is always unable to control what they’re doing,
The other is in control so supports the first.
But, as a side effect, the other loses control.
The process repeats.
But there is a catch:
You need that other to help,
Or you will never gain control.

I don’t want life to be like a see saw,
But it is.
And I hope you know I’m the other to bring your control.
Because I am.

The Standing Tourist

A tourist is labelled as someone who has seen the world
And that, my friend, is me
I have not soared the skies or sailed the seas
But I’ve tracked the trains and cruised the cars
All whilst the borders round my heart stay unbroken
(To paraphrase that nation-proud song)

I have spied the Indian dresses and African headdresses
I have gazed upon Panama’s sunset and the Northern lights
And so much more making me, my friend, a standing tourist.

Ode to Earth

Next time you tell Fate what to do
Tell Love to mend the broken heart
And when Love seems lost, send Common Sense to help them.
If Despair is darkening your face
Then let Fate lead you to Happiness
But if Reality seems too much,
Then know that I am here to help you

Heart

My hand was curled up,

Sheltering my heart.

But what happens if I move my hand?

It will pour out-

It’s endless years of being strong when others couldn’t

has worn it to an unrecognisable pulp;

A few tendons wrapped around patches of red muscle.

But with your hand holding mine safe-

My heart is going to grow back to a bigger size than before.

And I just wanted to say-

Thank you in advance.

.

Winter

As I walked out into the black of this Monday morning,
I felt a wave of the morning chill wash over me and flow into my skin and into my bones.

Each car I passed had been sprinkled with frost.
The pavement ahead of me glittered with the sparkling ice.
Each individual blade of grass had been straightened and decorated to twinkle as the sun begins to rise.

And as the sun rises on the crystals all around me I sigh;
For in that moment I remember that nothing lasts forever-
Even things with beauty cannot stay beautiful forever.